I Just Can't Live a Lie
by the2fast2u
Summary: "You know these things are expensive, right?" I nodded. "You know you're lucky they pay for them, right?" I nodded again. There was a minute or two of silence after that. "You know you have to tell him, right?" I couldn't find the words to answer to that question. A part of me knew he was right…a big part of me knew it. But I was simply scared. I wish it were easy.


"Here, Mom and Dad sent you this." Having said that, Aniki threw me the package. "How did you manage to need this many in such a short time?"

"Eijun-kun likes going running a lot and I like going with him." I heard him sigh at my answer. I knew he wouldn't like it, but it's not like I could lie to him – he was my older brother after all.

"You know these things are expensive, right?" I nodded. "You know you're lucky they pay for them, right?" I nodded again. There was a minute or two of silence after that. "You know you have to tell him, right?"

I couldn't find the words to answer to that question. A part of me knew he was right…a _big_ part of me knew it. But I was simply scared. I wish it were easy. Aniki always said that I had to be honest in this kind of situations and that if he didn't accept it, it was his problem, not mine. But it was really hard to see it that way when I would be the one dumped if he didn't accept it.

"Don't think about it too much, it's not healthy." I released a breath I didn't even realize I had been holding. "Plus, I'll kill him if he hurts you." I half-laughed at that. Considering the past few years, I knew he was dead serious with that and it almost scared me. I knew he was only doing it for my sake, but it made me feel bad that he was always backing me up. I wanted to be as strong and respected as him, but some things aren't that easy to obtain.

"I should probably go; dinner's about to be served and I still need to get changed." He nodded and I left his room. I leaned against the wall of the corridor and exhaled. I hugged the package as close to my chest as possible. I knew this wasn't particularly easy for my parents, but I was incredibly grateful for everything that they did for me. And then there was Aniki. No matter how much I tried thanking him, I was 100% sure that it would never be enough. He had stood up for me so many times I had lost count. And now this. It was probably the third time this year I had asked them to send me a new one. I couldn't wait for my 18th birthday to come: things would be so easy then, I just knew it.

I was walking to my room when I heard some footsteps getting closer and closer to where I was. I was almost there; I just had to get in, leave the package on my bed and then I could deal with him. Just a couple more footsteps and I would be there. I was about to grab the doorknob when I felt a hand on my shoulder spin and I was spun around.

"Eijun-kun," I said giving the best smile I could manage while I tried to hide the package behind my back. "What's going on?"

"I saw you leaving Brother's room and you didn't look too well, so I thought I'd ask and try to cheer you up, but you started walking away and I didn't get a chance to ask. Were you avoiding me, Harucchi?" He looked up when he asked and gave me those puppy eyes he knew had an effect on me.

"No, I'm not avoiding you, Eijun-kun." I sighed and gave him an honest smile.

"So, what's on your mind?" He said, energetic as ever.

"Nothing much." He didn't look convinced with my answer, thought. "It's okay, honestly. Just…miss my parents a little bit." That wasn't completely a lie – I did miss them…It just wasn't the biggest of my concerns at the moment. Not even a second went by after I finished talking that I felt myself being pulled towards his chest and two arms holding me close.

"Don't worry, Harucchi, it's okay. Everybody gets a little homesick every now and then." He pulled his head away from me and looked both ways before leaning in and whispering in my ear. "I even heard Kuramochi-senpai crying a couple of times." I chuckled at that and it seemed to calm Eijun-kun a little. After a while of us just standing in the middle of the hallway just hugging each other, his stomach growled and he pulled away from the hug, grinning and scratching the back of his head. "I guess I really worked up an appetite, huh?"

"Guess you did." I was about to tell him to head to the dining room when I remembered the package I was still holding in my hand. "Go ahead and get us a seat. I'll get changed and go in a minute." He looked a little confused, but didn't question it. He simply bent over a little bit, gave me a quick kiss and started heading for the dining room. I was closing the door when he came back running and stopped me from closing it.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" He didn't give me a chance to ask him anything before he explained what he meant. "I'm going to visit my family next week for spring break and they kinda wanna meet you. I didn't tell them too much, I promise, but they know me too well and they asked me to bring the person that makes me sound so happy over the phone, so I guess they meant you. Do you wanna come?" I was about to answer but he kept on talking before I could utter a sound. "Y-you don't have to if you don't want to, I can always tell them you had other plans – do you have other plans? Because I never asked you what you were gonna do and maybe you had already told your parents and your middle school friends that you were going to visit them and I really don't want you to have to cancel your plans just because I was an idiot and forgot to ask you beforehand. Oh, you said you missed your family! I'm such an idiot! _Of course_ you want to visit your family. Ugh, I should've just told them they were being idiots and that I wouldn't be going if they kept bothering me about that subject…"

"I'll go."

"…but they would've never let it go and…wait what?" I couldn't help chuckling at his confused face, it was just too adorable.

"I said I'll go, Eijun-kun." The smile he gave me was so big and bright, I didn't think I'd ever see a bigger one even if he got his precious ace number.

"Great, I'll call them after dinner and tell them!"

After saying that, he left running and I was left in my room. Once he was out of sight, I closed the door and looked at the package that was still in my hand. Oh, God, what had I done? I couldn't just tell him I couldn't go, he'd be suspicious. No, knowing Eijun-kun, he wouldn't be suspicious, he'd think I'm hiding some horrible thing from him and get sad and depressed and I'd have to tell him anyway. I was about to go ask Aniki for advice, but I thought better of it – he'd just tell me that this was the perfect moment to come clean and tell him everything. I took a couple of deep breaths while leaning against the door before heading out.

The week went by without me even noticing it, and sooner than I had expected, I was walking to the train station with Eijun-kun. He was so excited he couldn't stop talking about his family and friends. I guess he was just as nervous as I was about meeting them and wanted to make sure I was calm and felt comfortable around them. Or maybe he was just excited and over-talking just like always and I was over-thinking this whole situation.

The trip on the train was almost the same. Eijun-kun was so excited, he could barely stay sitting for more than 5 minutes. In fact, he didn't; every 5 minutes or so, he'd get up from his seat and point out the window and tell me some random fact about some plant or animal he'd see at the distance. After a while, though, I started nodding off and he offered me his arm to use as a pillow and I didn't have to be told twice.

He woke me up when we arrived and we got off. As soon as we stepped out, Eijun ran to meet his family which was waiting for us. He got a kick from his father and grandfather as soon as they realized I was still standing a couple feet away from them.

"Was this the way I raised you? Don't leave the poor kid standing there." His father said before giving him another punch in the side.

"Introduce him to the family, Sawamoron" Said his grandfather before kicking him and pushing him towards me. Guess the upperclassmen weren't that original with their nickname after all.

"Sorry, sorry, I just got a little bit carried away." Eijun-kun came to my side while scratching the back of his head and rubbing the places where he had been kicked. "Family, this here is Harucchi," I blushed as he used his nickname to introduce me formally to his family. "Harucchi, this is my mom, my dad and my grandfather. And that one over there is Wakana, but you've talked to her before." Eijun-kun moved his hand while he introduced them, never letting the smile leave his face.

"Pleased to meet you. My name is Haruichi Kominato." I bowed after saying that and I heard a tiny laugh coming from Eijun-kun's family. I lifted my head and I saw that both his father and grandfather were trying to hold their laughter and his mother was scolding them with her eyes.

"There's no need to be so formal, Haruichi-kun," his mother told me while giving me a warm smile I couldn't help comparing with her son's. I nodded and after that, Eijun-kun grabbed my bag and we headed to the Jeep where Wakana was waiting for us. We greeted each other and we left to their house.

Once we arrived, his mother insisted on us enjoying ourselves while she took care of what we'd have for dinner and wouldn't let me help no matter how many times I asked if there was anything I could do. Eventually, Eijun grabbed me by the arm and told me we would be going to the pool until the food was ready.

"Wait, pool?" I asked freezing where I was standing. Eijun-kun turned around and looked at me for a while before answering.

"Yeah, pool. I told you, didn't I? That we had a pool over here?" He looked almost disappointed. I mean, yeah, of course I remembered him mentioning that his house had a pool, but I didn't expect us to actually use it.

"I…uh…it's not that I forgot, Eijun-kun, I promise…" Oh, God, I had _not_ planned this. "I…just…"

"It's okay, Harucchi," he said smiling, but I could still sense that sadness from before. "Do you want me to lend you some trunks? I'm sure I left some behind when I went to Seido…" Oh, God, what on Earth was I supposed to do? I wanted to say no, I didn't want to go to the pool, cause going to the pool means wearing trunks and that means being exposed. But when I tried to voice my thoughts, I saw the look in his eyes and I couldn't help it.

"Sure, Eijun-kun. That would be good, I guess." I saw him smile and I tried to burn that picture in my brain as well as I could. After all, I didn't know how many of those smiles I'd see after this.

He gave me one of the trunks he said hadn't worn in ages and that should fit me. I had to admit, I had never thought about how different we really were in size until this moment. Judging by the pattern, I could guess that he hadn't worn them in at least some 3 or 4 years, and they still were a little loose on me. Oh, well, nothing I could do about that.

I left the bathroom and went outside only to find Eijun-kun was already in the pool playing around like a kid. As soon as he saw me, his eyes shined and mad me a hand gesture to get close. I got to the side of the pool and sat down with my feet in the water.

"You're gonna have to take your t-shirt before getting in the water, Harucchi," he said with a smile the size of a baseball stadium.

"I'm…I don't really feel like getting in the water, Eijun-kun." He looked at me for a while, almost in confusion, as if he didn't understand what I was saying.

"But it's hot. And the water's really cold. Are you sure you don't wanna get in?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Just dipping my feet is enough." He stared at me for a while and I could almost see him analyzing every tiny detail of our little conversation.

"Now that I think about it…" Oh, God, no. Eijun-kun may have made a reputation of himself for not paying attention, but that wasn't quite right. It's not that he didn't pay attention; it's that sometimes he didn't see certain connections between things. But once he started paying attention to the details and thinking about it, he got some pretty clever ideas. "You never take your shirt off during practice…and I don't think you've ever showered with anyone other than your brother…" I could see the sadness that was starting to appear deep within him. He was starting to realize there was something I wasn't telling him and it was obvious to him that it wasn't some minor detail. I sighed at the sight and signed him to get closer to me. Once he was within my arms' reach, I held his head and made him look straight at me.

"This isn't easy for me, okay? So just…try not to freak out when I show you." I could tell he didn't quite understand what I was saying, but he nodded and I let go of his face and grabbed the lower part of my t-shirt. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm me down, but it wasn't too useful. After a while that seemed like an eternity to me, I pulled the t-shirt over my face and kept my eyes closed, waiting for Eijun-kun to swear at me or something. However, after a while of not hearing anything, I opened my eyes and only saw worry in Eijun-kun's eyes.

"Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself? Do you have some back problem? Damn, we souldn't have ridden in the back of the Jeep, we should've let you go next to granpa. Stupid, stupid Eijun! You should know this kind of things about your boyfriend before making him ride in the back of a Jeep in a countryside road." He said while hitting his head. I couldn't understand what was going on in that mind of his, but it was so funny that I couldn't stop myself from laughing. When he heard that, he stopped hitting himself and looked up, just as, if not more, confused than he was before I pulled off my t-shirt. "What's so funny?"

"I'm not hurt, Eijun-kun. Though, thanks for worrying."

"Then what is that for?" He said while getting out of the pool.

"It's a binder. It's for…keeping my chest flat." I said looking at my feet inside the water. Right now, they were the most interesting things I had ever seen in my life.

"Your chest?" I chuckled a little bit. He didn't get it, that's why he wasn't swearing at me.

"When I was born, my parents named me Haruka."

"But…Haruka is a…"

"Girl's name. I was assigned girl when I was born. I never did feel like one, though. I was acting out on being called a girl ever since I can remember. My parents thought it was because I looked up to my brother too much that I was acting that way – they said it was a phase and that I'd grow out of it eventually. I tried acting like they wanted me to for a while, but it felt weird, so I just stopped. I remember talking to Aniki about this when I was 7: I was just telling him how being a girl was so weird, how it was just wrong, and he told me he'd call me Haruichi from that moment on." I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. Sure Eijun-kun had realized what I was talking about by that moment, but I was too scared to look at him. "I remember my parents' faces when they started hearing Aniki call me "Haruichi" and "brother", it was just priceless. They sat down with us and made us explain everything to them. I'm so lucky I have them as family. Sure, they were shocked at first, but after a couple of weeks, they took me shopping for clothes and started calling me Haruichi. School was a little harder, since I wanted to be called one way and my ID still had another name. I had to transfer when my parents realized they just wouldn't change that.

"The bigger problem started a couple of years ago, with puberty. I tried to hide it from my parents at first. I'd wear bandages around my chest without them knowing and I'd buy tampons without telling them. They didn't know of any of that until I fainted during baseball practice one day because the bandages were a little too tight and didn't let me breathe properly. They took me to the doctor and he explained everything to them. They weren't too happy at first, but after a while, they tried to see things from my point of view and relaxed a little bit. I had to have some tests done after that so that I could be given hormone mimics and blockers. It was weird at the beginning, but things started looking better after a while and I began to actually look the way I felt." I took another deep breath after that. "And…I guess that's it, that's my story."

Eijun-kun hadn't said anything all the while I was speaking and I was dreading to even look his way. I started to move my feet in the water trying to at least break the silence a little bit, but it did nothing to calm my nerves.

"So…" There it was: the rejection, the hatred. "That's why you never took your shirt off in public." I simply nodded. "And that's why you only showered with your brother." I nodded. There was silence after that.

"You can say it, you know. It's okay, wouldn't be the first time." I said, finally looking at him.

"Huh? Say what?" I stared at him for a while, trying to sense some irony or maybe even hatred in his voice and face, but couldn't find any – he genuinely looked like he didn't know what I was talking about.

"That I'm disgusting. That I'm not a real man. That you can't date me." I couldn't help the amount of tears that was coming out of my eyes. "That I should die."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?" He practically jumped and sat right next to me and cleaned the tears from my face with one hand and one of my hands with the other one. "Stop right there. You're still my Harucchi, right?" I nodded. "Then it's okay. Who cares about anything else?"

I couldn't stop myself for smiling at that. It was actually happening. He didn't care and I can't believe I even thought that it would mean anything to him of all people. But I was scared, and, once again, Eijun-kun showed me that I had no reason to be afraid. I leaned in and kissed him and he pulled me closer.

"I love you, okay? No matter what. I love you for _you_, not for anything else."

**I'm really sorry if Haruichi's story was not believable. I tried to base myself on the stories I read on Tumblr that ended in the families accepting their sons, but I'm so sorry if it sounded more like a parody than real life, that was really not the idea.**

**This was really just me making my strongest headcanon from Daiya no A real, so yeah, hope you liked it.**


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